Trauma to advocacy with Millie Grant
Trigger warning: this content contains recounts of suicide and sexual abuse.
Oh trauma, you seem to consume my existence. You left a nasty invisible scar on my brain and now demand my full attention. You leave me no choice but to reluctantly oblige your demands. Forcing me to accept and journey through my trauma to navigate myself a new safe path. I’m from Christchurch so like all the roads here, mine has some bumps in the way.
So where did my journey begin?
At seventeen, my life was tipped upside down. I experienced my first instance of sexual assault. I don’t like to delve into the details of what exactly happened with anyone, because I don’t think that matters. I don’t think people need to know the full story to empathise or feel compelled to advocate for change. Like a lot of people who experience trauma, I wanted to escape what happened. I wanted it to be a fleeting memory I never had to think about or acknowledge. I did this semi-unsuccessfully for the next two years. I would get little to no sleep with vivid, horrifying nightmares consuming the moments I was asleep. Then I would spend the hours awake unable to stop my mind racing. My school attendance dramatically dropped, it was even a joke among my friends I never attended on Tuesdays, though they didn’t know the true reason why. I was trying my hardest to stick my head in the sand, but trauma doesn’t work that way. The painful scar in my brain is continually picked at and triggered by nightmares, specific triggers, memories, and experiences.
Things took a turn for the worst in 2020, it started with more academic stress, paired with the pandemic, and then I experienced a swift nosedive after being sexually assaulted again. I thought my PTSD was already bad, but it was about to get worse. Depression, anxiety, and trauma seemed to be the only thing my brain could focus on, and it was fixated. I couldn’t go a day, hour or sometimes even minute without having traumatic flashbacks. I continued to nosedive, feeling completely out of control and absent from my own life.
“It was like living in the third person just watching myself go through the motions of life. ”
Things reached the deepest point when I felt like taking my own life was the solution. It felt like the only way to escape, the only way to catch a break and the only way to stop feeling like a burden on the people around me. The next six weeks were awfully hard for me and the people who love me. I attempted to take my own life three times. Each time feeling guilt, disappointment, heartbreak, and frustration. Through these six weeks I was working overtime with my therapist who was doing everything he could to get me through to the next appointment. I was living appointment to appointment but I was finally starting to see a small turn around. I was finding myself again, until the third attempt.
However, was different because this was not an ‘intentional’ act, it was a result of my PTSD. I went out alone for the first time since my hospital discharge, something everyone was hesitant to even allow me to do. I was confident though, this time I was ready to and wanted to get better. I had begun my account @candidmillie to do specific mental health updates and keep myself accountable. I was posting daily of all the ebbs and flows. I was so proud of my progress. A month had passed, and I felt like I was in the clear. However, I encountered the absolute worst trigger I could have that day – I came across the individual who assaulted me. I went into a disassociated state and I do not remember anything after seeing him. The next thing I do remember is being surrounded by a doctor and several nurses receiving medical treatment in the emergency department again. This time I was disappointed not in the result, but that this had happened again and this time I had not been in control. I was disappointed in myself for ‘failing’ at getting better. I was constantly telling my therapist how disappointed in myself I was and how I couldn’t understand how this had happened. We went through disassociation and how it manifests. Having this gap in my memory where my fight or flight brain had tried to protect me but almost killed me is a scary feeling. It made me feel unsafe in my own decisions and made me feel as though occasional black outs would be my new reality forever.
Unfortunately, I had another incident of disassociation which led to my fourth and final attempt. This time I was angrier, heartbroken, and disgusted at how easily I had come close to death whilst under a state of mind where I was taking the back seat. How could this happen twice? How was it so easy for an auto pilot mind to access such dangerous items? This anger fuelled a passion and sense of purpose. Why can you purchase a lethal dose of pharmaceutical drugs such as paracetamol from supermarkets where you are not receiving pharmaceutical advice? From speaking to a few people, I was told you wouldn’t be sold that much without a prescription in a pharmacy as it does raise alarm bells, though this does not include bargain/chemist warehouse. As it should, you don’t need that much paracetamol unless you’re planning on retreating to an underground bunker for a few years. If you do, you probably have a prescription where your doctor has discussed the impacts of excessive or long-term use on your body. A purchase limit is used by supermarkets on their deals and sales for their profitable benefit. If you have a look, it almost always says on their sale signs ‘limit 4 per person’ sometimes it is even less than that.
I spoke with my local Minister of Parliament who is on the Health Committee and at her advice I decided to make a parliamentary petition. This petition demands legislation to be created which placed regulations on these drugs sold in supermarkets. Many people disagreed with me and said things such as placing restrictions ‘punish us due to the stupid actions of one girl who can’t read the directions for dose on the back limits our freedom.’ Here’s my response to that:
Pharmaceutical items in supermarkets should be treated as restricted items if they can be misused. Therefore, as restricted items, they should be regulated. This has been done to medications such as cold and flu medicines. You now must speak to the pharmacist, even list your name and address under some purchases and you will not be sold to if there is suspicion you are misusing it.
Now under the understanding this is a restricted item, a purchase limit or age restriction should be implemented. Alcohol, cigarettes and even energy drinks have purchase restrictions in supermarkets. The government isn’t limiting ‘freedom’ by restricting who can use these items, they have recognised the damage which result in the misuse of these substances and have acted accordingly. We currently are experiencing a mental health epidemic, is it not dangerous to have access to dirt cheap methods of harm.
Why are you so angry about the thought of only being able to purchase 20 tablets of paracetamol at a time? In a week, or even 24 hours are you regularly consuming that much without a prescription? There is research to show long term use of medications that contain paracetamol can have harmful effects on your liver.
You speak about the ‘loopholes’ people could make to still obtain a lethal amount. The time spent going to multiple stores or having to interact with different people in customer service or whatever you suggest may make the world of a difference. For me personally, this time and interaction could have ‘snapped me out of it.’ My brain could have switched my frontal lobe back on and forced my amygdala to take a back seat.
Are you thinking about vulnerable people or yourself? Would you feel differently about this issue if you personally knew someone who has been affected by this? You might be surprised to hear how young some people are and how common it is for people to experience suicidal ideation.
I’m doing this for myself. For the subconscious part of my brain that still thinks suicide is an option when in fight or flight. But also, for the people who feel similarly. I have unfortunately had a huge response of people who related to me or knew someone who does or had sadly lost someone who did. Trauma changes your brain drastically, sometimes it feels like it breaks it entirely. But it also creates a new sense of empathy.
“When you are impacted by something not everyone has experienced or understands, you have this sense of empathy and care for other people who also feel misunderstood or marginalised.”
Healing is hard, but it is possible. Everyone says ‘time heals all’ but this isn’t the case with mental trauma. It takes a lot of hard work and time. It is a huge endeavour, maybe the biggest you’ll ever make.
“Once you decide to heal, life gets better. ”
Even the stagnant darkness can become comfortable. It feels hard and scary, to change but once you do things become less painful. The pain of changing and working on yourself is much more worth it than enduring the pain of staying in the darkness forever.
Words — Millie Grant
Image — via CLO
