Every reason not to watch He’s All That
I would like to alert the authorities to a murder that I have witnessed. The victim: 1999 rom-com she’s all that.
Yes, there are bigger problems in the world, but I strongly believe that remakes of classic films should be illegal. There should be an unspoken rule that you don’t step on hallowed grounds, especially if you’re going to butcher it. Netflix… I’m talking to you.
They say to become a film critic, you must study film at university. Much to my parents’ amusement, it looks like my minor is finally paying off because I’ve become the self-appointed Sauce film critic.
I sat through the tortuous 91 minutes of the trashy remake, so that you didn’t and don't have to. You’re welcome.
Here is every reason not to watch he’s all that:
1. The popular kid is an influencer...
Don’t get me wrong… I understand it’s a reflection on our current society where followers equal popularity. But her biggest #struggle was being a viral meme that ruined her street cred and potentially cost her sponsorship deal. Take me back to the 2000s where popularity was defined by iconic fits and snarky attitudes.
2. A Tik Tok star plays said influencer
Netflix is a safe space for breakout careers, the kids from Stranger Things are a prime example. However the combination of a classic with an internet ‘celebrity’, should never happen. If we’re being completely honest, I’ve seen Addison Rae put more effort and emotions into her Tik Tok dances. But it must have been enough for Netflix who have just signed her on for a multi-film deal. She was set up to fail but I’d say there was more interest in getting her onboard for her 82+ million followers on Tik Tok rather than her acting experience.
3. Kourtney Kardashian’s groundbreaking performance
I say that because I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole. A cardboard cutout of her would have done a better job. Monotone and emotionless - she left no crumbs because she didn’t even come close to picking up the fork.
4. The random Tik Tok dance moves whilst singing “Teenage Dream.”
These dance moves should remain on the app for obvious reasons. Don’t even get me started on the fact she lost half of her arm to the green screen in the process.
5. The brand placements
Working in PR I can appreciate a good brand mention/placement but this has to be the least subtle and most excessive use of sponsors I’ve ever seen. The budget for the film was $20 million USD… hmmm I wonder who funded it all.
6. The terrible ‘nerd trope’
Giving a hot person, aka Cameron, a haircut is NOT a transformation Padgett. Nor does putting a camera in their hand as a personality trait make them alternative. It also angered me that the characters used the fact that Cameron wasn’t on socials as a way of deeming him the least popular person in school. As if that is more criminal than common behaviour.
7. PADGETT’S LIVE STREAM
This one deserves caps. At the climax of the film we see Padgett go to film a ‘raw’ live stream after a kerfuffle at a party. She makes a statement of ‘whipping away’ her makeup only to film fully-glammed. I genuinely don’t know what the producers were on but it wasn’t on the money.
8. Cringe overpowered sentimental
I’m sorry to say that the above wasn’t the only offence of fake wiping off makeup. Cameron tries to tell Padgett that she is beautiful even without makeup, which leaves us with an awkward interaction of her brushing a cloth over her lips like he’s cleaning drible from a baby.
9. The blatantly obvious continuity errors
No wonder hardly anyone came to the car wash, she was handing out fake flyers. Naturally, this rookie error sparked a lot of criticism online and understandably so. For a film with such a large budget, there shouldn’t be these kinds of errors.
10. Matthew Lillard as the principal
Of the She’s all that x Scooby Doo duo that featured in the classic, I would have much preferred to swoon over Freddie Prinze Jr. Lillard’s lines in this just felt like Dad jokes on steroids.
P.S upon doing a ‘where are they now?’ type search for FPJ I saw he is married to Sarah Gellar… who plays Daphne. I feel betrayed that I am only just finding this out now.
11. The high(way) horse
I guess at this point it’s too late to say spoiler alert. But the fact that Cameron rode across the green to Padgett on a horse as a grand gesture after DRIVING said horse to the school was what sent me over the edge. I have so many questions. E.g why was this necessary? Did he miss Pagett’s big speech at prom because he was onloading and offloading the horse onto the float? Again, WHY?
12. Complete lack of chemistry
Yes it’s a teen Netflix movie and I wasn’t expecting them to be ripping their clothes off each other… however I DID expect it to look like they wanted to. Cameron had more chemistry with the horse and I’ve had more chemistry with a McDonald’s meal after a night out.
13. “I made you croquembouche you croquemdouche.”
No comment.
14. The betrayal that ‘no one saw coming’
I smelt bad friend as soon as she kept the live stream going of Padgett losing her cool after finding her boyfriend cheating. It wasn’t really a shock that she turned out to be the villain.
15. Padgett’s supposed success story
The film starts off when Padgett falls from grace after a video of her goes viral catching her boyfriend with another girl on set for his new music video. What boggles me is that she claims to be the transformation queen with @Padgettheadtotoe and that she ‘made him’ a star. WHEN HE LOOKS LIKE THIS:
Girl please! That is not something you want to claim. Can the movie industry please stop making men that look like this ‘popstars’. I have never understood this trope and I never will.
Despite all of this, there was ONE thing that I did like about the film and that is Rachael Leigh Cook (who played Laney in the classic) features as Padgett’s mother. However, she has also featured in another Netflix film so the likelihood they already had her on the books is high.
I feel sorry for the generation where this is the pinnacle of romantic comedies. The 2000s film aesthetic is unmatched and the only remakes I will accept these days are the ones with the entire original cast. Even then I’ll still be skeptical.
Will I be rewatching this film? I’ll let Cher take this one.
Words — Jess Murray
Images — via Google Images
