This is what I know about anorexia
I was standing in front of the mirror when I had the overwhelming realisation that my body is not meant to look like anything.
My body is meant to move, to be.
When you whole-heartedly understand and accept that, you will be set free.
A history of disordered eating and distorted body image has invited a narrative into my life that I wish I could have never known. A destructive dialogue told by diet industries, glossy magazines and that girl you wish you looked like. Often damaging, usually misinformed and always directed at our vulnerabilities, we know this, but knowing doesn’t mute its ability to chip away at self-esteem.
To know how it feels to be scared to look in the mirror, confronted by the person looking back at you. To be unsure of yourself and your worth based on unrealistic standards and comparison, “I’ll never look like that, but I’ll keep trying anyway.” To feel ashamed of your forever home, hiding it from those closest to you.
Grabbing, pulling, sucking, distorting, always checking.
It’s all-consuming, being at war with yourself and feeling trapped inside the body that allows you life. Negative thoughts have power, they’re strong. They sing louder than the good ones, the positive ones and the self-loving ones, singing songs written for our insecurities. They settle in, too. Unwelcome guests finding comfort in the place you call home. Inviting themselves to seep into every facet of daily life.
They’re thoughts that blur vision, compromising the clarity you need to find perspective and positivity, to see progress. “I can’t see, I can’t hear, I can’t concentrate.” In the depths of my eating disorder, my friends described me as a “zombie.” Absent with sad, hollow eyes, an anxious chest and wandering mind.
When we find ourselves in this overwhelm, this helplessness, we tend to focus on what ‘is not.’ We look for differences, gaps and holes. In silent struggle and solitude we search for what’s missing. We compare and invite in a feeling of less than. We hear “I wish”, “I don’t”, “I can’t” and “if only.” It’s an experience of emptiness that clouds over the blue skies of what was ahead, confusing the direction of travel, the destination no longer clear.
And then we feel lost.
In moments when we are thrown into battle and uncertainty with only ourselves as company, perspective and gratitude form the lens that helps us to see past the clouds, to see everything good that sits beyond them.
When feeling lost, we search for an escape, a way out.
Reflection on that time in my life hurts. The years Anorexia took from me as I drifted away from my people, my personality diluted and my energy for life drained. But I’m not sad anymore. I’m frustrated. I’m angry. I’m ready to shift the narrative.
I am me. You are you. This is us. This is it.
Our bodies love us unconditionally. Their whole purpose is rooted in carrying us through life, moving us through memories. It’s time we held a middle finger mirror to the sky to reflect that commitment back onto ourselves.
You are not broken, marked, cracked or faulty. You are you. Every inch of you has place and purpose. Turn your back to the negative, destructive dialogues and your gorgeous face to the sun. Shake off the chains and find freedom.
You are enough. As you are. The only one. In all your power.
Stop trying to be the same as them. Embrace your truest self, your difference. Hug yourself tight. This is your home. It’s time. Well, it’s long overdue.
I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to feel comfortable in my own skin.
If you are in that darkness, the only way out is through. Your fight is not over, because you are here. Embrace the journey toward a braver, stronger, more resilient and self-assured you.
As sad implies happy, low implies high and dark implies light.
Turn down the volume on the voices that tell you you’re not enough, that say there’s something wrong with the way that you look or the way that you are. You are so much more. See yourself through a lens of love, kindness and appreciation. Shower yourself in compliments, feel them on your skin as they wash over you. Speak to yourself as you do your loved ones.
Curate what you hear, see and read. This is your damn story. You control the narrative, now.
It’s time to fight it, them. Thank your body for loving you, love it back and make real change in the world.
Words — Emily O'Halloran
