sex toy secrets
More womxn own sex toys than washing machines. But somehow, we're still struggling to bring those sexy, vibrating, pokey-pokey little suckers into the conversation. So I spoke with some experts, public figures and everyday feminists, finding that 'flicking the bean' is over five times more awkward to talk about than guys ‘cuffing the carrot’.
"Mum, something weird has just happened, my vagina has just had a seizure."
"Oh honey, that's an orgasm..."
Laura Fisher didn't know vulva-owners were capable of orgasms until she bought a sex toy at 18 years old. She accidentally found the O-Club, giving herself the biggest and best fright of her life. The O-Club is so prestigious it's almost like it doesn't exist outside of closed doors. That blasted patriarchy silences and controls womxn* all over the place. But we’re putting up a good fight - feminists continue doing their part by using creative devices to bring down the goddamn patriarchy when their finger-puppets need a rest.
* (Note: womxn is an all-inclusive term in intersectional feminism for all women and vulva-owners.)
Years later, Laura went along to a sex toy party, and after making the whole room laugh at the story of her oblivion, she was recruited as a consultant to sell sex toys to her 17.1 thousand Instagram followers.
Womxn owning sex toys is inherently badass. Our pleasure has for centuries been controlled by dudes, by making us feel like the sex toy ourselves. That’s not what we are. By paddling the pink canoe, we’re taking back our autonomy. Think about that next time you’re having a little Me Time.
I conducted a reasonably unscientific study - by sending a Google Form survey to a bunch of young people. 61 responded. My 'random sample' was limited to friends from university, and friends who follow my Instagram. Take it all with a grain of salt and a dash of water-based lube. I also unintentionally only got answers from people adhering to binary gender identities. While I decided to stick to these binaries in an effort to analyse the information in front of me, I must apologise for failing to include trans and non-binary perspectives. Please understand that my use of the term 'womxn' includes all women and vulva owners. Open invitation to the sex-party-for-one!
One of my questions asked individuals why they bought a vibrator, which hailed a variety of responses. But the hands-down best answer was from a woman who decided none of the multi-choice answers summed it up for her. She clicked ‘other’ and typed: “I just wanted a vibrator. #boysaintshit”. Amen to that, anon!
Two Wellingtonian feminists Sarah Saunders and Meghan Harris host a podcast called ‘The Oversharers’. They’re doing their bit to destigmatise some of life’s ‘tricky subjects’, through sharing personal experiences and chatting to experts. The sex-and-relationship podcasters discuss how toy taboos often stem from internalised misogyny.
“Womxn have historically been taught our role is to service men, and to make men feel good and that sex is something for men. For womxn, sex is something to be tolerated,” says Sarah.
They point out how so many womxn feel they don’t deserve pleasure or that their pleasure is a burden. We’re still being taught that men are sexually active and womxn are sexually passive. The girls want to change the narrative, as a big Fuck You to stereotypes.
If orgasmic sex with another person is so political and controversial, cut out the middle man. Why let someone else take the wheel if you’re more qualified in DIY? Buy a fancy, vibrating little sucker you can drive around and show off to all your mates.
Meghan says plenty of boys suggest dumb shit like, "why would girls pleasure themselves; can't you just find a guy to have sex with?" or "why would you need that [toy], you've got me here.” Thus; Society’s Rules to Control Womxn:
1. Do not expect an orgasm from a man or sexual partner (because that’s too big of an ask)
2. Do not make yourself orgasm (because that seems desperate, can’t you find a man?)
Read these rules very carefully. And then disregard immediately. Meghan and Sarah reiterate: it is normal and healthy for anyone to be interested in buttering their own muffin.
Influencer Laura says the launch of the new Satisfyer Pro vibrator is helping to normalize sexual empowerment. Check out these pictures of Molly and her friends dressed up as vibrators, giving absolutely zero f*cks.
Many young people anonymously shared their experiences with their Battery-Operated Boyfriends (BOB). Here are a couple of the most hilarious, beautiful and intimate:
“My nana walked into my room and saw a vibrator on my bedside table. She said, ‘I had one like that. They’re good huh?’ And then walked out.”
“When I was moving out of home for the first time I had my vibrator in a moving box and it went off inside the box in a room full of my friends and my mum. I had to explain that that noise was my vibrator!”
“I literally cried using my vibrator once - I had never really let it run its course (if you know what I mean), normally I’d pull away right at the last second- but I showed restraint and powered through- and I cried. Euphoric.”
Most students chose to remain anonymous. Many said this survey was the first time they’d ever shared that story. Womxn are itching to talk about it, but cautiously watching out for Karens or Steves who put us back in our box, and remind us to act like ladies.
And that caution is not misplaced. When womxn do speak confidently about their sex lives, they are shamed. Experienced intimacy coach Angela Rennie says all genders often have similar internal pressures like body confidence and pressure to perform, but somehow womxn are still called sluts and whores. The only way to insult a man is to call them a dick, and they usually like being reminded of their dick anyway.
Laura Fisher puts herself out there on the internet, saying, “I own a bunch of sex toys, I use a bunch of sex toys. I'm learning to love my body and know what makes my body tick.”
But she still received hefty backlash when she sold them online. Every time she posted about sex toys she would lose a number of followers.
Podcaster Sarah says she never once got taught in Sex Ed that it’s normal to masturbate. She wishes every young person is told, “you're allowed to feel pleasure, you're allowed to enjoy your body and its sexuality, it's a normal, healthy part of life.”
“I was probably sitting in a room full of fourteen-year-olds who were all doing it but would have rather died than admit to it.”
Personally, I wish every young person could come up with some more creative euphemisms for the boring old term ‘masturbation’.
My sex toy questionnaire also asked what topics are most embarrassing to talk about. Somehow ‘female masturbation’ was slightly more awkward than ‘politics’. And the male equivalent of masturbation barely featured? Boys are way too comfortable with saucing their own tacos. Next time I’ll see how comfortable people are with the term ‘womansplaining yourself’.
Womansplaining yourself: (verb). The act of personally taking care of one’s own sexual desires. Rubbing one out. Often with a vibrator. (Unofficial definition).
Poll was taken from Maia Hall's sex toy survey.
Angela Rennie has been an intimacy counsellor for six years. She has one message – empowerment comes from within.
“It’s about not giving a fuck who’s gaze is on you,” she says.
In the era of Covid-19, we've talked about holidaying locally this summer. The same thing applies here: spend some time in that personal garden of yours before you feel the need to venture further.
Words – Maia Hall
Photos – Maia Hall
