Great Sex in 2023

Whether you’re flying solo or coupled up, it is time to re-think the quickie, ditch the mindless sex, and focus on pleasure-based intimacy.

We are well into January 2023 - alarming, I know, but January is an opportunity to refresh your thinking, scribble down some goals, and focus on where you want to put your energy. So, what are you focusing on this year? Health, career, travel, family, love, *ahem* sex?

Sex is usually the last thing people think about when evaluating their lives, forgetting its importance and expecting great sex to happen without putting in any work. Think about it: when was the last time you had really good sex? I’m talking about sex that includes open communication, respectful raunch, a solid emotional connection, playful exploration or deep trust. Are we talking days, months, or years? Either way, we’re stepping into 2023 with a different kind of (sexual) energy. 

If you’re ready to shed the inevitable pressure that comes with ‘performance-based sex’, tap out of horny flings that make you feel like crap, or ditch the muted version of yourself in the bedroom, grab your journals, and let me delight you with seven ways to start having GREAT sex this year!

Get to know yourself

Many people expect someone else to teach them what they enjoy in the bedroom - that’s your homework! So shut the door, light a candle, and get sexy with yourself. Learn what gets you hard, hot, and wet, a.k.a. turned on; what strokes, speed, pressure, or touch do you enjoy? The more you explore your body, the easier it is to teach someone how to get you off!

Get vulnerable

As the one and only Brenè Brown says, vulnerability is the quickest way to deepen your relationships. Vulnerability is the driving force of connection. It’s brave. It’s tender. And it’s impossible to connect without it. So get out of your comfort zone and lean into your sexy impulses in the bedroom. Share your heart, get deep, get dirty and communicate what you *actually* desire. Whether you’re dating, in a long-term relationship, or have been married for years, vulnerability will genuinely enhance your sexual experiences.

Focus on the body

There is far too much headiness in the bedroom - and I’m not talking about the good head we all deserve! I’m talking about the overthinking, not present and busy-minded headiness. Try using somatic tools like breath, sound, movement, and focus to heighten sensations and expand your pleasure capacity. Take a few deep breaths to anchor into your body, rock your hips when receiving oral, sigh on the exhale, and concentrate on the sensations you're feeling: hot/cold, wet, tingly, pulsing, throbbing. Start existing from the shoulders down, and sex will invigorate you and your lover(s).

Slow it all doooooown

We live in a world that demands speediness, quickness, and instant results; leave that at the bedroom door! Bring more slowness to your sexual experiences: slow kisses, slow touch, slow love-making, and slow teasing. Doing so will allow your nervous system to relax, your body to soften, and your heart to open to the experience.

Explore the deeper layers of your sexual self

If you’ve been holding back on exploring different fantasies, power dynamics, or dirty desires, this is your permission to stop judging yourself and go there baby! The more you cultivate a deeper sexual relationship with yourself, the more fulfilled and satisfied you’ll feel during sex. Explore your kinks, try BDSM, buy a toy, or hell, sign up to a swingers party! Sex can be light and playful or dark and dirty; let yourself love all parts of your sexuality without shame or judgement.

Prioritise pleasure

Make pleasure just as important as brushing your teeth! Immersing in pleasurable experiences creates stronger pleasure pathways to the brain; the more you tune in to pleasure outside of the bedroom, the easier it will be to tune in to pleasure inside the bedroom. Start with non-sexual pleasures like a morning coffee in the sunshine, ocean swims with friends, or a cheeky cocktail on a school night. Notice how you feel in your body and then take a moment to drink the pleasure through your senses - hear, see, smell, taste, and touch.

Get accessorised

Sex toys make sex great, full stop! I mean, how could a slinky little butt plug, a gorgeous crystal wand, or a pile of Shibari rope not inspire some hot play? It can be a great way to explore different types of pleasure, orgasms, erogenous zones, and honestly, a different side of yourself. Adding bedroom accessories is top of the list to spice things up for all relationship statuses.

You deserve to live in the fullness of your sexuality, experience freedom in your sexual expression, and feel alive in your whole damn body! I hope 2023 is a year of greatness in all areas, but mostly in your sex life! Stay safe, stay sexy!

Words — Melissa Vranjes, Certified Holistic Sex Coach - @melissavranjes