I’m in love in a polyamorous relationship
What if I told you that while I sit here and write this piece, my husband is out on a date with another woman? What if I were to follow this up with an admission that he’ll very likely bring her home and that I’m fully supportive of this ongoing situation. Further to this, what if I divulge that I was out with someone else two nights ago, and I stayed with them for
the weekend?
I would assume that if you were raised in the same traditional boy-meets-girl-boy-marries-girl
world that I was, you’ll be starting to wrinkle your nose, and perhaps even feel the cold descent
of judgement starting to dance around in your stomach.
I wouldn’t blame you; I too used to be of the opinion that monogamous commitment (whether
straight, gay, bi, or other) reigned supreme; marriage was for life, and faithfulness was the
foundation for a life lived well. Don’t fuck with the programme. But, just for a moment, I’d like
you to just cast judgement aside and hear me out.
“Ask any hot-blooded human if they’ve ever fantasised about the idea of a threesome (or some form of sexual plurality) and chances are, it’s going to be a yes.”
But what if, instead of constant sex-drenched sweaty bodies enmeshed in ménage à trois, we turned the tables on the cliche and reframed it. What if non-monogamy was less about sex, and more about happy committed humans deeply invested in making each other (and their extra-marital partners) feel loved and valued?
“Welcome to the concept of the polyamorous relationship.”
Side note: In case you aren’t up to speed with the term polyamorous, it’s a modern amalgamation of the ancient Greek ‘Poly’ meaning many and Latin ‘amor’ meaning love so in essence, ‘many loves’.
As acknowledged above, it can be difficult for those in traditional relationships to get their heads around the idea of sharing their partner (I get it - I used to be that person); the most common line of questioning I usually endure is “Jesus, don’t you get jealous, there’s no way I could do that” or “I would *insert violent intention* if they ever slept with someone else”.
And whilst there are far more interesting aspects of this lifestyle I would prefer to educate people on, it’s impossible without first getting through the inevitable jealousy questions.
Generally speaking, my answer to this is simply “we experience extreme compersion”. When he is happy, I am happy and when I am happy, he is happy. Most of the time - we are still human after all.
We didn’t always have this form of open relationship. We started out like any ‘normal’ couple; dating, engaged and proudly sporting a 25-year mortgage. Things were good, bills were paid, and we overtly had ‘the good life’ relatively sussed.
So it may come as a surprise that one day (and I actually forget why) a few years post-wedding vows, we started discussing the idea of an open relationship. The fact that neither of us felt threatened or experienced any semblance of guilt seemed to signal that we might be potential candidates for a little experimentation.
I have often wondered if the fact that this idea went against everything we had grown up with was a rebellious deciding factor. Perhaps we were simply dipping our toes in the shore break of a midlife crisis. Either way, we had wet our toes with the idea, so to speak, and we were far too curious to turn back.
We went through the rigmarole of creating an online dating profile, describing ourselves as a ‘curious couple’, and although this is not where we found our current partners, it did lead to some interesting findings, most notably, we were not alone.
“As it turns out there are many couples that aren’t living the traditional life, they just don’t talk about it. So, I’m here to talk about it; you’re welcome.”
There can be an assumption that a polyamorous relationship is governed by endless sex, and a general deficiency when it comes to commitment. This really couldn’t be furtherr from the truth. In my 5 or so years of the ‘poly’ vs ‘traditional marriage’ experience, I would have to say that living this way has taken far more patience, team effort, personal growth, and talking.
So.Much.Talking.
And yes, we are still human. Sometimes shit gets hard. This wouldn’t be a peek behind polyamory’s proverbial curtain without a little honest balance. One of the most difficult parts of sharing, is time. Time is finite, and it often feels like there just isn’t enough of it. As unromantic as it may seem, scheduling time becomes paramount in a polyamorous relationship. For example, that date I mentioned he is on? Well, that was planned for a night I needed some alone time to get things done at home. We check in with each other at the start of the week to see when it suits to spend time with our other partners, and we have been known to have to pull back for a period when the threads of our own relationship are feeling a little frayed. If one spouse is starting to feel like they are spending too much time watching Netflix alone, there will generally be a request for reconnection, and this is for the most part, a no brainer.
“All that said, having the ability to share my heart and life with more than one person has been the ultimate experience in liberation. I have always had the belief that one person shouldn’t be expected to fulfil all my emotional or physical needs, and whilst that may be perfectly acceptable for many traditional styles of relationship, we personally thrive on the reciprocal loving and caring experienced in different ways, by different people. ”
The poly relationship has offered us a sense of consanguinity that I just don’t think we would have experienced otherwise.
At this point in our lives, I don’t think we could go back to a monogamous way of living. When all is well, we exist in a symbiotic system where we work together to make sure the needs of each person in this dynamic relationship are met. It’s not always perfect, but no relationship is.
And I for one, live by the mantra that sharing really is caring.
Words — Anon
Image — Jacob Reischel via Pinterest
