Honestly, I’ve been thinking about this article for weeks.

Zeenat and I have been speaking about beauty content in general, about how bloody boring it can be. We all love skincare, that’s why you’re here today. So why do I start to drool and then do that awkward pre-sleep twitch partway through reading about the ten best retinol products on some of my favourite credible beauty platforms?

So, we’ve decided that I am going to write about beauty differently. Obviously I’ve tried all the below products, I’ve emptied them or I’ve chucked them. This is real, this is my honest opinion. I think that’s only fair. I’ve been ruthlessly honest about everything everywhere else – so why would I skimp on the topic I love the most, skincare.

I promise you, this will not be boring, or overwhelming. This will be clear, in layman’s terms, this will dissect products and maybe, just maybe, you might find something you love or you think is trash. Either way, live your life, babe!

I find skincare sexy, something about it just really rubs me up the right way. My friends and I refer to intercourse as a ‘blast’, so I will attempt to toss my salad and include a few sexual innuendos.

Let’s blast.

Full-time Fling
The Ordinary – Niacinamide 10% + Zinc 1%

This is a big fuck yes from me. Obviously, The Ordinary resonates with people who don’t want to spend their life-savings at Sephora, and I can relate. I’ve tried a butt-load of serums from The Ordinary, but this is my all-day hero. I love its three-second pinch. B-3 is one of the few vitamins that are complementary with retinol. I love that it gives me this visible, striking glow and it’s like $10.00. This is not a product that will mitigate your acne. If acne is your concern, I’d use a potent benzo complex or retinol, this is for small blemish management, overall smoothening texture and plumping. The zinc addition is a suitable anti-inflammatory pairing, god this product would make sweet babies.

Fuck Buddy
OLEHENRIKSEN – Oil Control Cleanser

Ohhhhh, she’s spicy. Of course, this is a dope brand. But how about this cleanser, lord have mercy on my epidermis. Okay, I love the green fusion complex – but honestly, this is a slap in the face. But who doesn’t love a good slap in the face, when it’s at the hands of an AHA? This literally strips your face clean, like a velcro rip, best used once a week for a full-face revitalisation. Kiss your clogged sebaceous pores goodbye, mumma’s coming home and she’s pissed. Anyway, it’s a ruthlessly efficacious lactic/glycolic monster with evidence-based results, great for the oily, acne-prone skin types. Peace out.

Bring home to your parents
Glow Recipe – Blueberry Bounce Gentle Cleanser

God, it’s so cute. It’s so gentle. If this product was a person, I’d tip-toe around it. It’s like a baby. It’s perfect for all skin types, it’s got a wee bit of hyaluronic acid, which our skin drinks, but nothing too noticeable. This lacks efficacy but owns consistency, it’s never over-stripped my skin. I’ve used it for four months off and on (that’s unheard of for me). You know what? This is actually just a suitable, easy everyday cleanse, part two if you’re a double cleanser. Smells like candy too, I don’t know why the hell it’s blueberry flavoured, but I respect the marketing and we love the Glow Recipe team – as you were.

One night stand
Mario Badescu – Facial Spray with Aloe, Cucumber and Green Tea

My hot model friend, Lily, got me this for my birthday. She always has the most amazing skin, I hate her. Anyway, she lulled me into trying this facial spray out (I am not a big spray person, I hate stuff hitting my face – usually, lol). Anyway, I digress. The name of this product gives me a headache and it gave my skin a weird rash, I’m a normal-sensitive skin type and this just didn’t work for me. From the get-go, it smelt weird and I don’t like how green the liquid is, wtf is in it? Maybe I am being a grump. But I am allowed to be, this is my story. I’m not calling you the next day. Bye, sis.

Internet Sex
Dermalogica – Retinol Clearing Oil

When this arrived at my doorstep I screamed. It was truly a serendipitous moment, I’d just seen SKINCARE QUEEN Caroline Hirons verify this product – when Caroline backs your product it’s basically a virtual skincare blue-tick. I’ve only used it like six times, but so far so good. It’s not the largest quantity per bottle, but its liquid texture provides an efficacious shot on each pump. Also, I like how innovative this elixir is, so simple yet so effective, combining retinol and salicylic acid (BHA) into one formula – I know, has this actually never been done before? Evidently not in an over-night, slow-release complex. The elixir works to slowly, but surely, turn over your skin cells – so you wake up with those dream baby cheeks. Your skin works its natural magic over-night, I wish I slept more, enough benders!! I need to give this some more TLC, we’ll meet again.

Too good for me
Emma Lewisham – Skin Reset Serum

I don’t deserve this product, I intentionally dose myself up with so many other toxic ingredients, how dare I think I can slather this organic, liquid gold and call myself ‘balanced’. This serum has been a sure hit, I mean, c’mon 24 active ingredients including niacinamide (we love to see it). Emma Lewisham is too good for me, I don’t deserve you! But I’ll have you nonetheless, if hyperpigmentation is a concern of yours (I’m lucky and have skipped the pigmentation hurdle) this has evidence-backed results. You can’t argue with the professionals, you can argue with me though, I’m all ears.

Ohhhhh she’s thick
Tatcha – Water Cream

Yes, sis! I’m here for this. Honestly, it’s a light-weight, oil-free, vegan cream – but who really cares about any of that when it feels like a glass of Antipodes ice-cold water for your face. This product is worth every single penny. I know it’s not technically a thick-cream, and don’t get me wrong it’s in no way greasy, but this is luxury, this is a vibe. This feels like it holds weight, but at the same time penetrates you like nothing else, well.

Meet you at the altar
Glossier – Exfoliating Solution

Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in. I’ve used this product for four years! FOUR FUCKING YEARS! Every single day, if that’s not marriage material – I don’t know what is. Honestly, I get anxiety without my AHA/BHA/PHA innovative correcting solution, we have this mutually destructive relationship, we’re so reliant on each other but one of us always dies first. This is just an epic daily exfoliating solution, it packs a pinch and strips you clean in the morning so you can suck in all the pollution from your day on baby-fresh skin. Hot tip, use this daily as the bottle does cause the solution to oxidise over a period of two to three months. I love you crazy, Glossier.

Old habits never die
Summer Fridays - Overtime Masque

You know those products that have just cemented themselves in the depths of your draws, you like accidentally find them every time your moving house, kinda like your exes who you completely forgot were in your life and once in a blue moon you’re desperate and it’s 4 AM and you’re, well, down to get down. This is how I view this masque. Don’t get me wrong, when I first got it I was like omg, it’s Summer Fridays. The pumpkin scent is unmissable, it exfoliates and flushes the dullness away, and it really works. But for some reason, I just always forget about it. Like it’s not a no, but it’s not like a OMG the house is on fire and I need to bring it with me yes. It’s a cute ten minute shag and trip down memory lane, but it’s in the past.

Random but I’m desperate
Ecoya - Coconut & Elderflower Hand Wash

I actually scooped this up in a goody bag from the Commercial Bay launch event, I was an hour and a half late (I am so sorry, leave me alone) but don’t worry, I didn’t forget to knab a goody bag on the way out. Okay so this is so cute, it’s a rinse-free hand wash and it actually smells like its leading marketing tags (a world first in beauty). Apply a miniscule amount on your palms, gently rub and watch it shine then dissolve. 40 ML of magic, bless.