Q&A with New Zealand based author and mother Jessica Urlichs on the complexities of motherhood
Today, we chatted with mother and New Zealand based author Jessica Urlichs on the complexities of motherhood and the identity transformation that we go through the various stages. We don’t often get to have an open and honest conversation around the different shifts in paradigm and discomfort around becoming a first time mother through loss of identity, but also finding the right language to celebrate the little wins.
Jessica is the author of two poetry books, 'From One Mom to a Mother' and 'All I See Is You' and a children's book about feelings called 'The Rainbow in my Heart', inspired by her son.
How important is it to have conversation and normalise the discomfort around becoming a first time mother? It is such an identity transformation but isn’t discussed as much.
I think a lot more mothers are speaking their truth now, the more we see people opening up and being vulnerable the more it gives us permission to do the same. But in the beginning I didn't see much of it all, I didn't hear much of it either. I'd hear comments like 'Just you wait and see' referring to pain of childbirth, or never getting sleep again, they always seemed to be unhelpful comments rather than compassionate ones.
After birth I didn't feel many opened up in the mum groups I was a part of, and if they did it wasn't until much later. I think it's because there's still a stigma attached to expressing your feelings, that if they seem less favourable then you're ungrateful, or you should be seen to be the perfect mother when such a thing doesn't exist. I think talking about the lows as well as the highs help us feel less alone, and when we realise we aren't alone we connect, we realise it's normal and we aren't failing. We're just human, trying to navigate the all encompassing beauty and exhaustion of early motherhood. You don't have to love every second about motherhood but that doesn't mean you don't love being a mother, it doesn't mean you don't love them more than anything.
So I think it's really important, not everyone's ready to do that and maybe some won't be so understanding. So be selective of the company you keep if that's the case. So much changes when you become a Mum and sometimes your circle does too.
Your books have been really empowering to women that might be looking for a language to explain how they are feeling. It’s easy to feel lost without language. Do you often write your essays and poems when based on personal perspectives or do you sometimes speak to other mothers too? Your work is so relatable.
Everything I write is based on personal experiences, I think it would lack soul otherwise. It's usually when it's utter chaos at home so I quickly jot something down, or late at night. Even if I have time set aside to write, I usually don't do it then because even if the words come, I don't feel them as much. I think the fact my work is relatable is so amazing, because it is so personal it just goes to show how many of us experience these same feelings on this journey. Having so many resonate has really helped me too! I'm really glad I'm able to put others feelings into words for them too, it's such an added bonus.
There seems to be two opposing ways of talking about motherhood — one is idealised and made almost unrealistic and it takes all the human experiences away and then there is postpartum depression. How important is it for us to humanize some of the thoughts and emotions of motherhood?
Motherhood has highs and lows and everything in between, no matter what we talk about it's important to realise it never takes away from how worth it it is, I personally have never experienced anything more worth it than motherhood, but that doesn't mean I won't be totally open about how difficult some days can be, or the loss of identity I experienced in the beginning.
“Motherhood has highs and lows and everything in between, no matter what we talk about it’s important to realise it never takes away from how worth it it is, I personally have never experienced anything more worth it than motherhood, but that doesn’t mean I won’t be totally open about how difficult some days can be, or the loss of identity I experienced in the beginning. ”
I will talk about those things if it helps someone else. We see a lot of pretty pictures on social media, perfect nurseries, or mums in their jeans 1 week postpartum. The thing is you just can't compare yourself. They've faced their own challenges, most of us all turned on our partners at the third wake up in the night and probably all of us have knocked our child’s head on the door trying to get them in the car seat. Real life is real life, just not everyone shares those parts, that's ok too, it's just remembering that is important.
I also love writing about the little moments, not necessarily highs or lows, just the little things they do that they so quickly grow out of. Like little hands on your face, dirty fingerprints on windows, washing hands before they escape the table or high chair. I love penning down memories and expanding them because I know one day I'll be grasping at something faded, I want to remember all of it, the beautiful and the hard.
I loved your essay 'he wasn't breastfed.' There is such a huge stigma around formula feeding and I would love for you to share some words/advice to new mums that might not be able to breastfeed or might have chosen not to.
I think part of the pressure on society's expectations is that you birth your baby and then go on to breastfeed them. We hear it all through antenatal and there's not a lot of talk about what happens if you're unable to. For me, I really wanted to be able to breastfeed my son, but we just weren't able to make it happen. I feel like I tried everything and still was passed judgement on not persevering long enough. I just couldn't forgive myself, when there was really nothing to forgive. In the end I had to look after my mental health to be a better Mum for him, so I made a painful call, but one that was completely the right decision for us in the long run.
How you feed your baby DOES NOT determine what kind of mother you are, showing up every day and loving them does. I know the pain of having your heart set on something and the guilt that comes with it when it doesn't happen. But I went onto breastfeed my second and at 6 months I had people asking when we would stop.
People will have opinions, let them, but don't let it affect you, don't listen.
Your baby and you are all that matter at the end of the day, do what works for the two of you.
An excerpt from Jessica’s book ‘All I See Is You’
Not Just
You are not ‘just’ anything
Not just a woman
Or just a friend
A wife
A partner
Or just a mother
You are a universe
Made up of waves that brought life
Stars that hold dreams
Landscapes of home
Rocks that will crumble but will always remain
The winds gentle sway, and strongest roar
You are someone’s ‘all’
And ‘all’ is not lost
You are a mother
But never, just.
Thank you Jessica x
Image — via Pinterest
Purchase Jessica’s poetry and children’s book here.
