Liam Sharma: I am cutting out toxic positivity
For good
It’s probable that I, like most of you, sit within the top 5% of the world that’s fortunate enough to ride out this virus with easy access to ‘essential needs’. I have a sturdy roof over my head, a country that cares, when torrential rain pelts down my first thought is “Omg, I am going to be so cosy tonight with the rain lullabying me to sleep”, instead of, this storm could drench my only clothes, cause power-circuit failures, this storm could make me sick, ruin my food, flood my bed. This storm could drown me when I am already trying so hard to gasp for air.
It’s not to be dwindled lightly how fortunate New Zealanders are, I think the last two weeks have made this abundantly clear. We have a leader who puts her people first as if they were her own family, she makes swift, fair decisions and every day she fronts up. She’s receptive, and through all the chaos, she still listens to us. Like the virus, our leader doesn’t play favouritism, every individual within her community is just as important as their neighbour. I lost my grandmother at the end of last year, is it weird that I am thankful she passed before this pandemic? I can’t even begin to imagine how scared our eldest communities must currently feel, immobilised by something they can’t even see.
I guess, what I’m trying to say is, there’s a lot for us all to be collectively grateful for.
However, I’ve stumbled across a new concept over the last few weeks, toxic positivity. It refers to the notion of rejecting anything that may trigger negative emotions and solely focusing on so-called positive emotions and the perceived actions, experiences or feelings that ignites or maintains positivity. It’s fascinated me. I don’t know why I’ve only just picked up on this theory.
Toxic positivity isn’t just sidelined to social media. It lives and breathes in all realms of life. It’s ingrained in our upbringing, it’s at the heart of perceived appropriate communication norms and deep-rooted in our relationships. Why is being happy always the end goal? Does living my best life mean being cemented in positivity, being perpetually happy?
Why do we always have to look at the bright side?
COVID-19 has impacted all of us in a myriad of ways, maybe you lost your job, you’re back home living with your naggy parents, maybe your business has gone belly-up and you feel like you’re in a cruel game of snakes and ladders, where the odds are stacked in your misfortune, you just rolled a six and you were flung down the ladder, right back to where you started. No one likes walking backwards, especially if it’s less of a walk and more of a catapult against your own will.
It fucking sucks. And you know what, that’s okay. Whatever you’re feeling is valid, because you’re feeling it. There is no off button, we can’t just shut down and update like the latest iPhone. You need to process this.
Toxic positivity prevents us from processing raw emotions. When you deny authentic feelings you’re brushing off healing, you’re depriving yourself of life. Sometimes, it’s important to counsel your friend without feeling like you need to level with them. Without feeling the urge to insert yourself in their situation and remind them to focus on the ‘positive’, of course, it’s important to be an open ear and warm shoulder, but it’s dismissive to continuously try resolve situations with positivity. How can we grow if we don’t heal, how can we learn if we don’t process, how can we evolve if we don’t utilise situations to mould us.
I’m cutting out toxic positivity, for good. I don’t want to live a perfectly happy life, I don’t want to follow people who spew positivity as if the sun is always shining in their home, I don’t want to deny myself of feeling sad, weak, numb or uncomfortable. I deserve to feel everything. I want to feel the pressure and I want to bend, but not break. I want to surround myself with people who allow me to feel whole, if I complain I need that to be respected, instead of dismissed.
What I need to find is the perfect balance. Kind of like lemon cordial, too much and it’s bitter, too little and it’s just water. We need to meet in the middle, right in the sweet spot.
We need to be appreciative of all we have, but we need to continue feeling everything, whether it pumps dopamine around us or not. Life isn’t always supposed to be sunny, we deserve the rain, we’re not water-soluble, we grow.
Image source — here
