The generous gift of receiving
I used to think that generosity only came from giving. Donating, volunteering, even little things like shouting friends coffees. But a recent relationship challenged me to address my relationship with receiving. Awkward. Yuck. Uncomfortable. Why?
Well, I had to learn to remove the guilt and my need to return the gesture faster than Serena in a Grand Slam. But (without giving away the point of this article) giving isn’t a competition. And someone has to be there to receive in order for it to work. So as I confront my awkwardness yet again, I’m learning that perhaps receiving is a gift in itself.
Confused by this sentiment? So was I. When it comes to giving, I’d prefer to have the upper hand - with money, favours, even my time and energy. Not only is giving is what I like to do. It’s where I feel comfortable.
I hadn’t really thought much about my relationship with receiving until it became the unignorable elephant on dates. Background - I hated the power imbalance I felt when a guy bought me a drink or dinner. I felt indebted. Like I owed him a kiss at the end of the night or some shit. So I adamantly always paid half. Not that this provides equality for women, far from it. But somehow it made me feel more in control. Anyway, fast forward a couple of months and while the first date nerves had disappeared, my need to split the bill had only grown stronger. I struggled to receive meals, gifts, love and attention. Since giving helped me feel in control, being on the receiving end had sent me spinning. I wanted so much to just be able to accept a drink - from a date or a friend with a thank you. But as the side of guilt turned into the main, it forced me to look deeper at what was going on.
It seems that my fierce internal feminist had hurtled me too far into the masculine. Now, I’m not talking about gender or appearance here. Everyone embodies masculine and feminine energies and traits. Ancient modalities, like Traditional Chinese Medicine, explore the balance of these energies - the yin (feminie) and yang (masculine). Get this, giving is associated with the masculine and receiving with the feminine. So as someone wanting to get more comfy with receiving, I knew I had to lean into my feminine. It was time to give up control and let someone else give.
Ah but see, this is where I’m wrong yet again. Receiving isn’t a release of power. In fact, this act is so powerful I’ve noticed it actually takes strength. Not kettlebell strength, but self worth strength. Being comfortable with receiving takes being open, being surprisingly vulnerable and most of all being comfortable in yourself. Because how you receive is kinda a reflection of your self worth. If you deflect any compliment that dares to come close to you, it could be because you don’t see your own beauty. If you feel guilty about being spoilt, it’s probably because you don’t acknowledge your own value. Probably a good time to check in with your own self worth. Is it stopping you from receiving whole-heartedly?
If you’re as challenged by this as I was, think about it this way - giving is an energy exchange. It’s up to the person giving to decide how, when and what they give. Perhaps it’s their love language or perhaps they just love you. Either way, it’s their choice. And definitely not a build up of debt for you to repay. Quickly sit down and put the shoe on the other foot. If you love to give, do you expect anything in return? No. Because making other people feel good, makes you feel good. Now shoes back on the right feet and remember, when giving is no-strings-attached, the most powerful thing you can do is receive graciously. If there are strings, lace up those shoes and run.
So now I’m learning to accept the lovely generous gestures from others and just move on. Giving and receiving have a way of staying in balance. Effortlessly. Just trust that you will return the favour in some way or form eventually. Because, perhaps you’re giving in ways you don’t even realise. Giving someone inspiration, giving them purpose, giving them hope. Perhaps you’ll never know all the ways you give. But I hope you do. Because you are a gift, deserving of all the gifts.
That was cheesy, but if you’re not lactose intolerant lap it up because, “When we give cheerfully and accept gratefully, everyone is blessed.” Maya Angelou.
Words – Ellen Fromm
