Staying mates with your ex’s friends, what’s the etiquette?
Whether you’ve been together for years or it was a brief but meaningful summer of love, deciding whether to share joint custody of your friendship group is a decision many people face after a break up.
Though some may relish knowing they’re free of their old flame’s cringe-worthy mates, for many, it makes the break up that much harder not knowing if the people you grew close with while boo’d up are still your friends or are now off limits.
As someone who is (self-ly proclaimed) good at friendships, not so good at relationships, I usually end up preferring to hold onto the people I meet through my ex rather than the “sentimental” items like last-minute Valentine’s Day cards or apology gifts.
And, while I’m no expert, with three breakups under my belt I’ve managed to hold onto some amazing friendships and picked up a few tips for doing so along the way.
Evaluate your intentions
If you’re anything like me, a break up usually ends in two things: one, drinking many, many margaritas and two, taking a long, hard look at myself. Usually, the latter, if not both, end in tears. But, it’s an important way of helping me better understand myself and reconnect with my intentions for my life.
If you’re wanting to maintain a friendship with one or more of your ex’s mates, it’s equally as important to take a long, hard look at your intentions for doing this and, as much as it may suck, you have to be honest with yourself.
If you’re using the friendship as a way to keep tabs on your ex, don’t do it. If you’re using the friendship as a means to keep being invited to events they’ll be at, don’t do it. If you’re using the friendship to help you get back together with your ex in any way, please, just don’t do it.
You’ll only end up torturing yourself, annoying your ex and hurting the friend who probably had genuine intentions. It doesn’t take long for people to pick up on when they’re being used and being heartbroken isn’t a ‘get out of jail free card’ to hurt other people, so do everyone a favour and check yourself first.
Don’t try and fuck them
Like I said, these are things I’ve learnt along the way, and sometimes the best way to learn is by making mistakes.
This one probably goes hand in hand with intentions, because if you have any ~romantic~ feelings for your ex’s mates, staying in regular contact is unlikely to end well for anyone. Trust me when I say, there are plenty of other people to rebound with.
If you truly think there’s something between you and your ex’s friend, just wait. Give yourself and your ex time to heal and, if you still choose to pursue their mate, you’ll be doing it with a clearer mind and (maybe?) conscience.
At the end of the day, despite what people say, it really depends if you feel loyalty towards your ex and if you’re prepared to deal with the consequences. If you’re feeling lonely but know you’ll beat yourself up afterwards, save yourself the added pain. Jump on an app instead, because is there any bigger turn-on than “0 mutual friends”?
Respect their wishes
No, not your ex. Despite what other articles (or they) may say, your ex doesn’t have ‘dibs’ on their friends. I’m sorry, but no one owns anybody and it really comes down to their friends’ wishes.
If a friend who knew your ex first feels like staying in contact with you is a conflict of loyalty, don’t try and convince them otherwise. When it comes to relationships of any sort, the people who are meant to be in your life will be.
Set boundaries for yourself
After a break up, you need to vent. It doesn’t make you a bad person, nor does it mean you hate your ex, it just means that you’re human. Having people who can be a sounding board for your emotions is important, but your mutual friends aren’t it. It not only puts them in an awkward position, but you’re also not going to get the understanding you need from them.
Setting boundaries with yourself for what you will and won’t discuss with mutual friends regarding the breakup, even if it’s just while the wounds are fresh, is important to maintain the friendship. Instead, chat to your family or personal friends, and if you don’t have that option (or even if you do) consider talking to a therapist. Talking about your feelings is important, but if you’re trying to maintain mutual friendships, choose your audience.
Likewise, events held by mutual friends can be hard to navigate. You can ask your friends to give you a heads up if your ex will be in attendance, but don’t turn it into an “if they’re going, I’m not” situation. Respect that the friendship goes both ways, and if they’re a true friend they’ll understand if you’re not up to spending an evening at dinner packed into a booth with your ex.
Give yourself time to heal
While you may have good intentions and your mutual friends may want to keep hanging out, maintaining these friendships can still serve as a painful reminder of the past. Hearing about an event you all used to attend as couples together is always going to bring up old memories, and if you’re still mourning the loss this won’t help you heal.
Avoid triggering events or venues, and instead, create new memories with these friends that you can cherish without any attached pain.
Credit where credit’s due, I’ve been lucky that my exes have handled me staying mates with our friendship groups pretty well, or either hidden their dislike really well. But, whether you’re in the same boat or not, it’s important not to lose sight of the fact that breakups are about working on your relationship with yourself more than anyone else. Relying on relationships for happiness, whether romantic or platonic, can be dangerous, but you’ll never regret investing time in yourself.
Words — Emma Maidens
Image — via Pinterest
