Dating app green flags
I gave up on dating apps long ago. I kept them on my phone solely for moments of boredom and low self-esteem. They reserved a similar role to Candy Crush; rarely ever in use, but never deleted because of the joy they once (briefly) brought.
credit: Hira
Time spent on dating apps is quickly beginning to mimic the mindless scroll that one takes through social media upon waking up in the morning. That utter carelessness that only ensues after seeing a boy from your high school’s latest fishing catch or the mirror selfies of a girl you met briefly on a night out. And all while you’re half asleep. It’s a known fact now; people showcase their best, most curated selves online. And we are all a little bored by it.
Dating apps are no different. They’re like convenience stores that stock personalities instead of prepackaged goods. They’re the careful depiction of identities, through over-edited selfies and half-hearted attempts at witty bios. While one once had to act as somewhat of a hunter gatherer to go about finding their perfect match, the possibility of doing so now sits right at one’s fingertips.
I gave up on dating apps long ago. I kept them on my phone solely for moments of boredom and low self-esteem. They reserved a similar role to Candy Crush; rarely ever in use, but never deleted because of the joy they once (briefly) brought.
For a while, my dating app usage was erratic and irregular. On the rare occasion that I went through and matched with some people, I would promptly forget to check the app again for messages from them.
I’m not trying to say that my standards are impossibly high. I just could never be bothered making the effort with those people. A few images and a sentence or two was never enough to get me excited about someone. Certainly not excited enough to devote any of my time or energy to maintaining conversation.
Somehow though, and completely unbelievably, I eventually got more out of dating apps than just failed talking stages. After years of them disappointing me, they led me to meeting my girlfriend.
Part of giving up hope had been the belief that even if, somehow, my perfect person’s profile had shown up, there would be no way for me to know. Unlike pretty much every Love Island contestant to grace our screens, I have no “type on paper”. There was no particular look or personality trait that would have me actively pursuing someone online.
I was kind of wrong though. One text conversation with my now girlfriend had me texting my best friend in all caps, feeling sure that she was something special. It turns out that, for me at least, it was actually pretty easy to tell that this match was different.
From my own personal experience, these are the green flags that might mean you’ve matched with someone special.
They make you act a little out of character
I’m not one to message first. Hence why I stick with Hinge and Tinder rather than the dreaded Bumble. This doesn’t come down to any moral philosophy or adherence to gender roles. I just lack the amount of immediate interest required to push me to formulate some sort of introductory message.
However, right after matching with my now partner, I hit her up. I said something stupid like “love your energy” (that part was in character…). In the moment, this was obviously on a whim and not the instant knowledge that I was going to fall in love with this person. But I do think it says a lot, if someone pushes you to break your own rules and act a little bolder than usual.
The conversation instantly flows
Having skipped the stagnation of initial small talk, my girlfriend and I’s first conversation revolved around cults. I’m not sure how the topic was even raised, but somehow we got into discussing cult leaders, Midsommar and the Melbourne Central cult recruitment. The conversation itself was interesting enough for us to talk for hours upon first matching.
Although good communication over text is no indication of real life chemistry, it’s still important. I hate to state the already overstated obvious, but we live in a digital age. You can get along with someone in person, but what if they’re dry and uncommunicative over text? What does that mean for the relationship when you’re spending time apart or in need of reassurance from afar? Chemistry alone may be enough for a short-term fling. In your forever person though, you want the full package. You want lively text conversations while you’re on a girls trip with your friends and thoughtful good morning messages. Compatibility now extends to the digital world, so a fun and communicative initial text conversation says a lot.
There’s no hesitation over meeting in person
The biggest fear that dating apps evoke for me is the possibility of getting attached to someone online and then finding them to be completely different in person. Imagine… texting someone for weeks, feeling as if you’ve found a connection, picturing the kind of life you could have with them, and then having it all come crashing down in the wake of one in-person conversation.
Because of this, I think the greenest of the green flags is when your dating app match is quick to arrange a date or catch up. Talking over text should solely be a brief stepping stone in your journey to meeting this person properly, rather than being its own era of your relationship.
You’re in agreement over the nature of said in-person meet up…
In addition to my previous point, it’s ideal that your perceptions of what your first hang out will look like somewhat align. If you’re looking to be wined and dined, but are met with a late night invitation to your match’s house then it’s immediately clear that you’re after different things. Even if you are both wanting a first date rather than a hookup, the choice of activity or restaurant could say a lot about compatibility and potential relationship longevity.
My first few dates with my girlfriend felt like I had carefully handcrafted their every detail. In reality though, she was the one to pick the time and place. Within our first few meetings, we went to karaoke at my favourite bar, consumed Mexican food and margs and had a spontaneous picnic. She also went to the effort of cooking me vegan food. Although it’s not absolutely everything, being on the same page over the details of a date can be an excellent sign.
Words - Amy Hamilton-Jones
