I attempted Simone Anderson’s Lockdown Cleaning Challenge and I learnt a life lesson
I am endlessly fascinated by social media personalities, it’s hard not to be. I am mesmerised by the unboxings.
I get lost in the personalised, single-use vitamin packs, I am in awe of the free dog-flea tablets that get delivered directly to their front door. I love the complimentary, weekly HelloFresh meal kits that are seamlessly dropped off on a sunny Sunday afternoon, and within minutes hundreds of stories flood my Instagram of influencers’ children sitting pretty in the empty HelloFresh cardboard boxes or the latest green pea risotto plated up to perfection, it’s always a fabulous time.
I religiously trawl the internet for deals, fuck NET-A-PORTER when you can have Onceit and influencers make it all too easy. I mean, I understand ‘cancel culture’ and I currently have no capacity to engage in wider-influencer discussions – but I refuse to be told influencers have no space within society. Like it or not, they’re here to stay and most likely we’re just scratching the surface of how enormous influencer culture might be in years to come, how I see it is, as long as the discount codes keep coming and the weekly meltdowns (for entertainment purposes) about the most vapid, arbitrary problems like not being able to go to F45 in level 3; influencers can and will stay.
Honestly, influencer culture has always consumed me – maybe the problem is I’ve always wanted to secretly have a large following. I fucking love free shit. I think jealousy has sometimes plagued me. I don’t mind chucking a few of my morals out the window for a big, fat pay cheque and a fridge full of free food in plastic covered meal kits. The problem is, no brands have ever really wanted to work with me in an influencer capacity, I think I am a red flag, maybe it’s my weekend escapades, lack of followers, disco diet or general bad behaviour that keeps brands at arms-length. I’m really screaming for a brand deal, I’d gag for a Dyson.
If I was to be a proper, fully-fledged influencer, if I was to have it all, the complimentary lifestyle and followers that were just besotted with me, I’d pull this sort of stunt.
COVID-19 has taken us all to the cleaners, so it’s fitting that well-known New Zealand influencer, Simone Anderson (arguably the most iconic influencer in all of the land), saw it as an opportunity to inspire cleanliness. Simone got creative in her down-time and created a 28 day cleaning challenge, which at its inception was the assumed amount of time we were going to be in lockdown 1.0 for (precisely four weeks). Over the course of 28 days, Simone proceeded to show her IG platform (which has over 300,000 followers) the top tips and tricks to keeping any household in-check. The best bit about it? She did it for free. The complimentary content blended in quite nicely amongst a myriad of sponsored posts and I have to say straight-off-the-bat, she really had the best of intentions.
I’m day 10 into lockdown 2.0, the first lockdown took London away from me and the minor chance of finding the love of my life, the second lockdown took my sanity, my birthday, a few of my clients and my size 30 waist, I have been floating between the fridge and my make-shift desk for nearly two weeks and honestly, I’m about to set the carcass that I call a body on fire.
So, it seemed only fitting that this time around I tried something new, if I was going to blissfully stack on weight and force-feed my feelings I may as well do it in a freshly clean environment. Also, I love a good challenge!
Now, I kind of have a full-time job and I still don’t know how to boil an egg; please proceed with caution. I also cheated, multiple times, some days were too difficult and I simply couldn’t be arsed. I live with my parents still, why? Because I am a full-time leech and an expert at never leaving home, I’ve been flatting before and I can’t go back.
Firstly, Simone has generously provided us with a beautiful pink-designed daily check-list, she’s insinuated that the below tasks are not daily chores, they’re more-so rituals and should be treated as such. These tasks are not included in the challenge, they’re a bonus.
Daily rituals:
Make beds (totally, I learnt how to do that in boarding school, honestly, whenever I think about boarding school I get the shits)
Wash, hang, fold and put away the washing (I get my mum to do it)
Collect and sort mail (who even gets mail anymore?)
Vacuum house or main areas (not mentioned, but I am assuming this is where the Dyson would come into play)
Clean kitchen counters and stovetop (I don’t even know how to remove my stovetop without grease smothering my hands, huge no from me, I know better than to touch something that doesn’t want to be bothered)
Clean up spills, dirt and other messes (totally can do, I wonder what the other messes are just out of interest, such an open-ended statement, anyway)
Put things back into their place/homes (roger)
Take out the rubbish/recycling/compost (I love that she composts, inspirational and very relevant)
Wipe bathroom sinks and counters (does that include the toilet? Absolutely here for this one, my bathroom is my safe space)
Day 1 – Fridge
I couldn’t actually do this task. Simone wanted me to take EVERYTHING out of the fridge, chucking away expired goods and then I would’ve had to obviously put everything back into neatly ordered homes. I still wasn’t over the loss of my birthday party and this was a crushing request. The sheer thought of touching what lived in the back of my fridge grossed me out, I accepted the demons in the back of my fridge, we have a mutual understanding where I don’t touch them and they don’t smell. Also, my family doesn’t do HelloFresh – at times like this the pre-planned meal kits would really come in handy when you’re organising your fridge. Overall this task was a failure, totally on me.
Day 2 – Skirting Boards
I was laughing that I had to google what is a skirting board was. Upon googling it, I knew this was going to be a challenge but one I accepted with a smile. We live in an apartment without stairs, and I am not planning on getting on my hands and knees for the apartment block’s communal stairs. Quite quickly I realised I definitely am not equipped to complete this 28 day challenge, of course, my attitude is way off but we don’t own microfibre cloths and I refuse to invest in cleaning supplies because I am perpetually considering moving out but never actually leaving. I just love to complain and throw around empty threats. Simone’s not wrong, there was a lot of grub around my skirting boards and I am grateful it got suctioned up, I’d like to take this moment to welcome a Dyson sponsorship – I used a ½ dead vacuum that barely suctions, I’d have more luck suctioning dirt with my mouth.
Day 3 – Linens
Words will never do Simone Anderson’s folding abilities justice, I won’t even try. But seriously, her next book needs to be about folding a fitted sheet because I am amazed. I didn’t refold my linen cupboard but I respect anyone that did.
Day 4 – Laundry
Completely skipped this day. I was having an absolute nightmare, it was my actual birthday and I was blasting lorazepam and watching YouTube videos of Lindsay Lohan’s paparazzi meltdowns. I did, however, send my mum an email while she was in the room next door, advising her that I needed my laundry completed, otherwise my challenge’s hopes would be soiled. Nothing will get in the way of my relentless pursuit for perfection and supreme cleanliness, nothing I tell you.
Day 5 – Pantry
I really thought about engaging with this day, Simone re-shared so many eager contestants stripping their pantry clean. I honestly went up to my pantry and opened it wide up, I gazed into the abyss, all those items lit up my eyes – what was once an opportunity became overwhelming and I began to eat my feelings. I felt defeated, low and full on white-carbs after this challenge.
Day 6 – Kitchen
It was at this exact point that I realised the challenge had won and I had lost. I was no longer interested in engaging in the challenge and I was more fascinated at watching the hundreds of people who had attempted and succeeded. The thought of touching my stovetop made me gag and I simply gave up, or so I thought.
Day 7 – Office/Study
Apartment living really saved my arse here, we don’t have either! I am off the hook! Another day, another excuse. I sat back with a huge bowl of butter-lovers popcorn and watched Simone’s minions blast their office/study spaces. I’m so proud of them.
Day 8 – Blinds
I really got stuck in with my blinds, my big learning curve here was the amount of different blinds on the market and how many different ways you can clean them, including using socks. I’ve taken the liberty of outlining a few different blinds:
Unlined curtains (low maintenance)
Lined curtains (very tricky to wash)
Thermal backed curtains (hand wash in cold water)
Cotton, acrylic and polyester curtains (remove all hardware and give them a good shake outside, involves a washing machine)
Sheers/voiles (they are delicate, darling)
Linen curtain (can go through the washing machine on a cold cycle)
Day 9 – Guest Room
We don’t have a guest bedroom in our house, however, I proactively personalised the challenge and subbed out the guest bedroom for my parents’ bedroom (master bedroom). Simone had a myriad of hot tips but I actually was more interested in snooping around my parents’ bedroom, of course, it would be inappropriate and a huge invasion of privacy if I cleaned their room. I used this rare opportunity (thank you, Simone) to go through everything and borrow what I deemed appropriate and needed in my current life, I was pleasantly surprised about the quantity and quality of products I re-homed.
Day 10 – Microwave and Sink
Day ten changed my life. Simone’s microwave cleaning elixir is just divine, 1 cup of white vinegar, 1 cup of water, add a wooden spoon into the mixture – then pop it into your microwave for 5-10 minutes. Simone’s microwave is a powerhouse, so she only set hers to five minutes, she’s very cautious and I admire that. The wooden stick stops the glass from overheating, which is interesting and it really resonated with me that this challenge is actually all about expanding your everyday knowledge and it reinforced the fact that you really do learn something new everyday. The elixir helps grub, left-over food etc dislodge and dissolve – no harsh chemicals needed. Simone also washed her entire kitchen sink, often forgotten, which I’ve never thought about doing because I would assume the regular water flow would keep it in top-notch but it definitely doesn’t and moving forward I will look to wash my sink, regularly. I’m totally into a bit of buffing.
As you can see, I really gave this challenge a fair-go, and so did hundreds (if not thousands) of other keen Kiwis. I learnt a lot about myself through this challenge.
I think the most valuable life lesson I learnt was how much of a slob I am, I am the epitome of lazy, entitled, spoilt, the prince of procrastination and if I don’t make some serious life pivots – I am going to end up 30, single with a fridge full of expired food. I never knew you had to clean your kitchen sink, it shocks me that you can use a sock to clean your curtains, there are simply so many lessons that King’s College skipped over and I’ve been left bewildered, defeated and quite frankly embarrassed of my skill-set.
Simone’s social content is mind-numbingly fascinating, I’ve lost years watching her 50-frame daily stories, I’ve learnt a lot and although, at times, I’ve found her incredibly unrelatable and some of her content distasteful, I’ve also never seen someone clean their house quite like her.
Words & Images — Liam Sharma
