Detoxing yourself from toxic parents
No one asks to be born. Yet here we all are, existing solely on the terms of our parents' decision. It's extremely ironic to think that the ones who brought us into this world, are the ones who make us regularly question our existence. Why bring us into this world only to torment and belittle us? To dump us in this pool of shit?
And what better way to add lemon to the cut, than to be a toxic parent – just to make life sting a little more. Whether they're physically, emotionally, or verbally abusive; or just cold-blooded narcissists – they are toxic.
As a kid, your parents are your God. They fabricate your embryonic narrative on Earth. Consequently, their parenting reflects the way you measure yourself against the world. With this, comes the internalised pressure to feel loved by your parents. And when you don’t, you feel like you’ve failed.
Growing up with a toxic parent figure, you become their little Vudu doll. You're plucked, poked, nitpicked. Emotional abuse shape-shifts and metamorphosizes. Sometimes it is camouflaged. Its form can take shape in persistent criticism, gaslighting, shaming, blaming, withholding affection, and attention. A toxic parent will pick at everything. Minor things. Like how much peanut butter you put on your toast, what clothes you wear. Even the way you brush your hair.
They love to make unreasonable and unrealistic expectations for you. Being dissatisfied no matter how hard you try. They invalidate you. Refuse to accept your feelings by trying to define how you should feel. They accuse you of being "too sensitive, "too emotional." They dismiss your wants, requests, and needs, as ridiculous or illegitimate. They undervalue you, deprecate your goals and dreams, diminishing the sparse thread of self-confidence you might have left. Ultimately, your mind becomes polluted with their suppressive comments, and you feel as though your contribution to the world will never satisfy them – nor yourself. This becomes transparently difficult when becoming an adolescent, as you realize that each decision you make in your life is dictated by their negative opinion; as their words have left behind a toxic, sticky residue.
If your toxic parent is an addict, you feel like you're always second best. Say, if they are an alcoholic, you feel like they love alcohol, more than they love you. Often the words "I love you," are only spoken following the consumption of a whole bottle of pinot noir. How is a child supposed to feel authentically and deeply loved by someone who chooses when they love you? Only when it becomes convenient to them? Love becomes hard to understand, when a parent failed to make you feel warm, and instead; gave you the shivers.
For a child coming from a traumatic childhood, it's difficult to harmonize with the romanticization of nostalgia. Unfortunately, it's always the heavy and hurtful memories that outweigh those very few sentimental moments of peace. Nostalgia being somewhat nightmarish, as the person who was supposed to be your hero – was instead the monsters under your bed. And although there is time to talk, console, and try healing the broken relationship with your parent, often they've left too much of a bitter taste in your mouth.
For me, I felt a presence like a dark cloud. I felt like I was wearing a corset that just kept getting pulled tighter, and tighter. My chest was always tensed. My heart always racing. I felt like a vulnerable, weak little deer; just waiting to be pounced on. When you have a toxic parent, home becomes poisoned. A place that is intended for nurture and safety, is instead lathered in sharp eggshells. Those eggshells always cut skin deep; leaving harsh, often delayed wounds – only realizing later in life, how deep those wounds cut. Trauma always leaves a scar, no matter how big the wound.
Of course, there is no such thing as "perfect parenting". But toxic parenting on the other hand, can install and trigger feelings of shame, unworthiness, and fear in a child. When you were raised in fear, you don't know how to navigate through rational emotions of what you should be afraid of and what you shouldn't. It is like coming out of a war zone. You are left with the same post-traumatic stress responses, crippling anxiety, and a tendency to catastrophize every situation possible.
As a child, you're not fully equipped with the skills to recognize their toxicity. But as you grow with more maturity and insight, you start to form a moral compass. You learn that their behavior and hurtful words were designed to gaslight and manipulate. To somehow make themselves feel better for whatever trauma they went through as a child. This can be known as transgenerational transmission of trauma, which does nothing but inflict permanent wounds directly down the family line.
Most of the time, you can cut a toxic person out of your life. But when this toxic person is your parent, there is a bio-relational attachment that needs to be cut – which isn't as simple. However, there are things you can do to help yourself.
1. Stop expecting them to change if they haven't already.
Your happiness and wellbeing no longer depend on your parents. Stop blaming yourself for the painful experiences in your childhood. If your parents made you feel unloved, unsafe, or weak – that is their fault and responsibility.
2. Try not to loathe in the bitterness of the past.
You do not have to forgive your parents in order to start healing and feeling good about who you are. Overcoming childhood trauma means you can focus on building healthy relationships for the future, even if your parents don't change and stay stuck in the past. Your past shapes you. It doesn't define you, but it outlines your curves and edges. And so, cutting a toxic parent out of your life means trying to create yourself out of the internal area left unoccupied.
3. Find peace.
Although it may feel as though they've intoxicated a large part of your life, this doesn't mean the rest of your life will be like this. Remove yourself from that environment. Create a new space without them. Beautiful things cannot happen when your space is poisoned.
Talk to someone. Get therapy.
And be kind. Everyone is healing from something.
Words — Rosa O’Reilly
Image — via Pinterest
