Ask Stacey — Round No. 1
Many of you might know Stacey O’Gorman as the host of Finger Food — a thought provoking podcast showcasing pleasure and sex in a beautiful, diverse, accessible and entertaining way. Being a Holistic Sexuality Coach, Stacey is passionate about creating safer spaces for people to talk about sex and pleasure so that people can feel less alone and experience more freedom within themselves. You have a unique ability to anonymously ask Stacey anything regarding your personal journey and relationship with sexuality, identity and pleasure.
Email Stacey with your stories or questions with ‘ASK STACEY’ in the subject line. It’s fully anonymous! Once a month Stacey will select one or two questions and provide in-depth answers and insights.
ANONYMOUS Q:
Hi Stacey,
I’m in a new relationship with the most lovely guy. He’s so fantastic in so many ways and treats me with kindness and respect.
The only issue is that I feel that I am always the one to initiate sex or any sort of physical intimacy. We differ in that I enjoy sex any time of the day (I think I have quite a high sex drive) and he only really likes to have sex at night.
For me, sex is a big part of a relationship and I have brought it up with him before, but he says he feels shit for not fulfilling my needs. On the other hand, I end up feeling undesirable and unattractive to him (being the one to always initiate).
I’m not sure what to do or how to broach the subject again without anyone’s feelings being hurt. There feels like no middle ground, either I compromise and have sex less or he has to initiate more. As a woman, I feel like my female friends don’t quite understand as they have the opposite issue with their partners, being that the man always wants sex more! Any advice would be so helpful on ways to work through this.
Kind regards,
Anonymous
STACEY O’GORMAN’S RESPONSE:
YES to being in a kind and respectful relationship with this new man - congrats to you that's glorious news! I want to start by saying you are not alone in always being the first to initiate sex with your partner. I've heard similar stories from many of my female clients and friends, and I know it can be frustrating and leave you feeling undesirable and unattractive. I'm really sorry you're going through this, and I’m also celebrating you for taking steps to address the issue.
The good news is, this is a super common problem and there is a lot you can do to make this work for both of you. It's important to remember that everyone has different sexual needs and desires and it's not uncommon for partners to have differing sex drives. One of my favourite sex educators Emily Nagoski talks about the discrepancy of desire within relationships, and how people may experience two different types of sexual desire: responsive desire and spontaneous desire.
Spontaneous desire is the sudden feeling of sexual desire that arises without any particular trigger or stimuli. It is often described as a "sex drive" that is always present and doesn’t require any specific context. Responsive desire is triggered by a particular context or stimuli, like physical touch, intimacy, or emotional connection. It requires a specific set of circumstances to be present in order for sexual desire to be activated. Both types of desire are totally valid and normal, and people may experience one or both types throughout their lifetime!
The positive news is that there is nothing wrong with either of you, it’s nothing personal, you’re just experiencing desire in different ways and that’s ok. With this knowledge and clear communication, you can start to understand each other a little fuller and create new circumstances that feel good for both of you to sexually thrive.
I am the biggest advocate for honest and open communication in relationships. It sounds like having another conversation with your partner about your desires and concerns would be really beneficial. I totally hear you re being unsure of how to broach the subject again without anyone’s feelings being hurt. We aren’t taught how to communicate in relationships and I know first-hand how much courage it takes to share vulnerably and express how we feel, without blaming or shaming our partners. It’s hard and I still don’t get it right!
With my clients, I encourage them to carve out intentional time for requesting their desires and needs from their partners rather than springing it on them after a hard day at work.
1. CONTEXT: Make sure it’s the appropriate place and time to have this conversation. You could say something like “hey, I’m keen to chat with you about our sexy time, when would be a good time for you?”
2. LOVES: Start with something positive. Set the chat off in a genuinely hopeful tone eg what you love about them, how much you’re digging the relationship, what you love about your sex life etc.
3. FEARS: Express your fears that are coming up and why: it’s so important to share the why eg "I feel like I am always the one initiating sex, and it makes me feel undesirable at times."
4. DESIRES: Share your desires along with the why eg “I would really love to feel more physically desired by you. Intimacy is really important to me because it makes me feel loved, safe and connected” etc
5. ACTION: Give clear and specific action steps of what your partner can do to meet the desire, even if it seems obvious eg “if you were open to it, I would love you to x,y,z” or “what really turns me on is x,y,z”
Be receptive to your partner’s feedback about what they are capable of doing and encourage them to share their loves, fears and desires with you too. Remember this is a conversation. Be open to receiving your partner’s love, care, and attention in the unique way they offer it, and remember that your partner's love may differ from how you love.
I hope this helps. And know that you deserve to feel loved, desired, and connected in your relationship, and I'm confident that with open communication and understanding, you and your partner can totally get there!
Stay safe
Stay sexy
Stacey O x
Send your stories and questions for the next month to staceyogorman@gmail.com.
If you are looking for extra support, you can book a free 1-hour Zoom consultation with Stacey here.
Words — Stacey O’Gorman
