A Critique On The Nature Of Dating Culture
We’ve all been there, well that might be an overstatement, I’ve definitely been there. Scrolling on Tinder or Bumble or another surface-level dating app to the same effect. Watching matches pile up with no real hope of a substantial relationship being the end result. I’m not naive enough to count on a compatibility algorithm to locate my soulmate, but I’m not smart enough to give up hope on it yet, either.
Normalising online dating has completely revolutionised the nature of twenty-first-century relationships and the way we go about forming them. Gone are the days when we had to meet people in a real-life setting, facing the danger of public rejection. Who’d risk being turned down, when the premise of mutual attraction can be established online before you’ve even said ‘hi’? This new digital playing field has taken the risk and difficulty out of meeting new people. However, providing users with an abundance of new, exciting strangers to connect with also enables them to pursue multiple people simultaneously. It’s encouraged really, the odds of finding someone great are better when you’re chatting to ten matches as opposed to one. Then there’s the temptation of swiping on even more people when you already have a couple of matches on the go, just to see if you’re missing out on something better. All in all, dating apps are fantastic if you’re playing the field. But what does it mean if you’re looking for a real connection?
We all recognise that hook up culture prevails on online dating sites. The majority seem to be looking for something casual, making it tough for those that want more. We’ve got serial monogamists lumped in with people who never plan to settle down and the end result can get messy. I’m not saying it never works out: most people seem to have a friend that defies all odds, nabbing a fuckboy turned devoted partner from the comfort of their keyboard. It’s rare but it keeps hopeless romantics like myself hooked. It gives us a crumb of optimism, that somehow we might also break the mould, falling in love with some other stranger searching for a dopamine hit via mutual right swipes. “Hook up culture isn’t that bad! Look at Josh and David! They met on tinder and they’ve been dating for three years now!” - It’s not much, but it provides enough hope to keep us logged in.
But what happens next? Even after we start ‘dating’, we have to navigate a maze of digital landmines that come with the new terrain. I met my last boyfriend in person - the traditional way - and he still ended things by ghosting me for a week before ending the relationship via text. It wasn’t even due to distance, we worked in the same building. In hindsight, this was a good thing, he was a 27 year old whose mum still picked him up from the ferry terminal every day, but that’s not the point. Social media is keeping us more connected than ever but also offers an easy out when it comes to the hard stuff. Instead of breaking up, we ghost. Instead of cancelling a date, we just stop replying. And if you met someone online, there’s a mutual understanding that you’re both talking to other people. It’s made dating difficult for people who aren’t comfortable with casual sex due to a newfound stigma around asking for exclusivity. People who aren’t looking for anything serious often fail to disclose this, leaving hopeless romantics mistaking a friends with benefits type arrangement as the start of a budding romance. This newly digitised dating culture might be liberating for some, but is it preventing us from being honest, communicating and showing empathy? Is the shallow method of swiping left and right based merely on appearance removing our ability to see matches as people?
In a way, the answer is yes. When you’re picking a partner from an online profile that, more often than not, is the product of arduous overthinking and editing, we’re creating surface-level connections. Maybe ‘Steve,’ 27, who forgot to add to his bio that he is actually the kindest, most compassionate person on earth and great in bed. I’d never know because I thought the filter he chose justified a swift left swipe. Meanwhile, my new match ‘Jacob,’ 25, with the toned abs who loves hiking is still living in his parent’s basement and plans on spending our whole date explaining how stocks work. He’s only looking for sex and will start mansplaining why monogamy is outdated before I’ve even got a shirt on.
If I’m being totally honest, I hate dating in general. I’m only dating in the hope that one day I’ll meet someone decent and be able to stop dating. While I’ve done my best to vet every match, I’ve still been on ridiculously bad dates with people that seemed great online. It’s unavoidable. Yet regardless of how bad they might be, these people are complex individuals with feelings and need to be treated as such. Yeah, maybe I found them entirely intolerable but that doesn’t give me the right to suddenly cease all communication without giving them closure. Once I went on a date with someone who told me he was a kids party clown by trade and promptly ghosted him after. I didn’t know how to tell him that the mental image of him in a big red nose was the least sexy thing I could think of so instead, said nothing. He thought the date went great, asked me out for another dinner and I didn’t even have the decency to reply to his message. Looking back, I wish I gave him closure. God knows how many times I’ve been anxiously checking my phone screen just to realise after two weeks that the guy who left me on read just isn’t that into me. We need to normalise communicating where we’re at with people to manage expectations. I’ve seen so many completely avoidable instances where the line between sex and dating has been blurred and left people hurt.
For instance, imagine you’ve been seeing someone for a month or so and it seems to be going well. You frequently stay at each other's houses, go out for dates, you’ve been introduced to their friends and vice versa. Maybe you’ve met their parents or helped them move house at this point. Naturally, you’ve developed feelings for this person and to you at least, it feels like a relationship. You’re uncomfortable with the prospect of seeing anyone else so you choose not to, despite not having the exclusivity conversation yet. Their profile is still active on whichever dating app you found each other on but you tell yourself they probably just deleted the app and not their profile (common mistake). You finally find the balls to ask them What You Are and they reply “what do you mean?” Worse yet, they might just stop contacting you with no explanation whatsoever. It’s an all too common tale of two people having completely different ideas on the nature of their relationship. A situation that never has to happen if people just communicate.
I once spent two months seeing someone, believing wholeheartedly that we were heading towards something steady. Then his ‘ex’ girlfriend hacked his Instagram and posted sexts between him and about seven other girls. As it turned out, he was never really single (the ‘ex’ was in England so he figured she’d never find his tinder) and most were sent while I was in the same room. Somehow I still ended up playing the therapist while he talked about how much he missed her, proceeding to show me the Pinterest board they had made for their future wedding. Though it pains me to admit, he had great taste. We stayed friends after that because I felt like the one at fault. I’d made an assumption about the nature of our relationship and I thought I owed it to him to maintain the friendship aspect. Looking back I recognise he probably should’ve said something after we started spending every waking moment together and regularly going on fancy dates. Truth is, I’m just a bit of an idiot.
The toxicity of our dating culture comes from mixed signals and an inability to communicate. If you’re only ever invited to watch Netflix at someone’s house and assume that they might be the one, then that’s on you. But if you’re treating someone like a significant other and choosing not to disclose that you’re seeing other people, you’re the problem. People perceive things differently all the time, leading to a disconnect in the way we understand our relationships. Be kind, be clear and show common decency. Dating doesn’t have to be this big question mark if we just treat people how we’d want to be treated (it’s gross and it’s cliche but it works).
Words – Paris Blanchfield
