25 to Life
I’ve just spent the past weekend catching stars with my best friend, I watched the sunrise and rudely fall over and over again, I almost lost count.
I’m 25 today and I’ve spent the entire day watching paparazzi videos of washed-up celebrities on YouTube, it’s been amazing.
I’m a proud Leo, purrrrrr, every day is about me, so today’s inevitable lockdown casualty hasn’t really upset me. I turned my phone off and patiently waited until I could scrape together enough energy to get this off my chest.
This past Friday at approximately 7 PM I was downing champagne flutes as if I wanted them to drown me, I was knocking them back one by one. A conversation was floating around about a guy I used to know who has recently got himself locked up for who knows how long.
It hit a nerve.
I realised he’d cemented his life, from now on, that’s all he would be known for. I guess, I had this weird supersensory wave flood my body, head to toe, and in true Leo style, I made it all about me. What would I be known for? If this was it, if this was the end of the world and all the lights were about to go off, what marks have I left?
Because honestly, I still have no idea what I am doing. I’m 25 and I’m as clueless as I was at 21, living in New York, on a death mission trying to send myself home in a body bag. I can’t tell you the last time I’ve felt truly satisfied, abundantly happy, I don’t know what it is to feel high on life. I’ve gotten so used to being perpetually complacent, idling around, waiting for something that feels right. I compare myself to everyone. I’m my own biggest critic and each day I relentlessly remind myself how much Iife I have left to live. For so long, I have viewed this persistent internal monologue as my weakness, my crumbling, I thought this was all I had to offer. I’m so crap towards myself, there have been moments when I thought it would have been easiest for me to switch the lights out on myself.
This internal debate, although vicious in nature, is also my fire. I’ve grown to understand this internal monologue is also my creation. We are created by being destroyed. I refuse to accept my current situation, my ultra self-awareness and hatred towards complacency is pushing me forward, I know there is more for me in this world. I know I have something special to offer. I just haven’t quite figured out what it is, I don’t entirely know what I want.
And you know what? I think that’s what is most beautiful about it all. I’m 25 and I have everything ahead of me, no attachments, no mortgage, no set job structure, no liabilities – sure I owe the government thousands of dollars from a degree I never used, but they’re not coming to collect it anytime soon. What I am saying is, I might not have any idea what I am doing at 25 but I am so thrilled to be in this position. I have everything to look forward to and nothing to hold onto, I’m really only just beginning.
Words — Liam Sharma
